Why Orthodox Women Feel Shame Around Intimacy
Growing up in an Orthodox Jewish home, conversations about intimacy were often veiled in euphemisms or avoided entirely. The message was clear: modesty was everything, and our bodies were something to cover, protect, and control. For many of us, this silence led to confusion, discomfort, and ultimately, shame around our own sexuality.
When I became a kallah (bride), I was handed a crash course in Jewish marital law, focusing on the technicalities of niddah, mikvah, and what was deemed “permissible.” What I wasn’t taught—what so many Orthodox women aren’t taught—was how to embrace intimacy as a vital and beautiful part of marriage. Instead, I was left grappling with conflicting messages: be modest and reserved, but also open and passionate. The shift felt impossible, and I know I’m not alone.
This is for the women who feel stuck between these worlds. Let’s unpack why shame around intimacy exists, where it comes from, and how we can begin to reclaim pleasure and connection.
The Roots of Shame in Orthodox Intimacy
Cultural Messages About Modesty From a young age, Orthodox girls are taught to cover their bodies, avoid unnecessary physical contact, and maintain a “modest” demeanor. While these teachings are rooted in halacha (Jewish law), the unintended consequence is often an internalized message: your body is a source of danger or temptation. This can make it incredibly difficult to embrace physical intimacy later in life.
Silence Around Sexuality For many Orthodox families, the topic of sexuality is considered taboo. Parents may not know how to address it, leaving the kallah teacher to fill in the gaps. But even kallah classes often focus on rules and rituals rather than the emotional and physical aspects of intimacy. Without open conversations, many women enter marriage feeling unprepared and ashamed of their own desires.
Mikvah and Purity Misconceptions The mikvah is a cornerstone of Orthodox marriage, but for some women, it can feel like a ritual of scrutiny and judgment rather than renewal and connection. Phrases like “becoming pure” can unintentionally suggest that menstruation—and by extension, a woman’s body—is inherently impure, compounding feelings of shame.
Unrealistic Expectations Orthodox marriages are often idealized as the ultimate partnership, where everything falls into place once you stand under the chuppah. When intimacy doesn’t come easily, it’s easy to feel like something is wrong with you or your marriage. This silence around normal struggles reinforces shame and isolation.
Breaking Free: Steps to Reclaim Intimacy
Acknowledge the Struggle The first step to healing is recognizing that shame is not your fault. It’s the result of cultural messages, societal expectations, and gaps in education. There’s nothing “wrong” with you for feeling this way.
Educate Yourself Knowledge is power. Seek out resources about intimacy and sexuality written from a Jewish perspective that embrace both halacha and pleasure. Books like The Jewish Woman’s Guide to Intimacy by Jennie Rosenfeld can be a great starting point.
Redefine Mikvah If the mikvah feels like a source of shame, consider reframing it as a personal moment of renewal. Connect with mikvah attendants who are supportive and understanding, and bring your own intention to the ritual.
Open Communication with Your Partner Talk openly with your spouse about your feelings, fears, and desires. Intimacy thrives on connection, and connection begins with vulnerability. It’s okay to say, “I’m struggling, and I need your support.”
Seek Support Sometimes, the shame runs deep, and that’s okay. Speaking to a therapist who understands the Orthodox perspective can provide a safe space to work through these feelings and build a healthier relationship with intimacy.
Intimacy as a Holy Act
In Judaism, intimacy is not just a physical act—it’s a mitzvah. It’s about connection, pleasure, and creating a sacred bond between husband and wife. Reclaiming intimacy doesn’t mean rejecting your values; it means embracing them fully, without shame or fear.
If you’re struggling, know you’re not alone. Many Orthodox women are navigating these same challenges, and there is a path to healing. Start by giving yourself permission to ask questions, to learn, and to grow. You deserve intimacy that feels safe, joyful, and fulfilling.
Let’s Continue the Conversation
What’s one thing you wish you had been taught about intimacy before marriage? Share your thoughts below or reach out if this resonates. Together, we can start breaking the silence and building stronger, more connected relationships.
By addressing these issues openly, you can create a ripple effect in your own marriage and community, showing others that intimacy is a gift—not a source of shame.
