Why Orthodox Women Stay Silent About Marriage Struggles—And Why That’s Starting to Change
Let’s be honest for a moment.
In the Orthodox community, we talk a lot about shalom bayis. We hear it in kallah classes, at Shabbos tables, and even in casual conversations. The idea that peace in the home is sacred. That it’s our avodah as wives to build and preserve that peace. And while that’s deeply meaningful, it’s also created a silence. A silence that has kept many Orthodox women carrying pain alone.
“We don’t talk about this.”
I’ve sat across from Orthodox women in therapy who waited years—sometimes decades—to say out loud what they’ve been holding inside. “We’re struggling.” “I feel alone in my marriage.” “He doesn’t hear me anymore.” “I don’t even know who we are as a couple.”
And not because they didn’t try. Not because they weren’t committed. But because they were taught—sometimes explicitly, sometimes between the lines—that speaking up is wrong. That if you’re hurting, it must mean you’re lacking in emunah. Or that you’re airing dirty laundry. Or chas v’shalom saying something that borders on lashon hara.
So instead, they stay quiet. Smile. Daven harder. Hope it’ll pass. And inside—they feel like they’re disappearing.
We hear a lot about the beauty of Orthodox marriage. And there is beauty. There’s kedusha. There’s loyalty, mesiras nefesh, and the building of a home centered around Torah values.
But real marriage is also complicated.
It involves two real people—with real needs, real differences, and real human flaws. Pretending otherwise doesn’t protect shalom bayis. It buries it.
The Silence Was Never the Whole Story
Our grandmothers and great-grandmothers were strong. They built homes under conditions most of us today can’t imagine—poverty, war, trauma, displacement. They held everything together with resilience and bitachon. But they also didn’t have the resources we do. Therapy didn’t exist in the frum world. Talking about emotional needs wasn’t a category.
They coped how they could. And many suffered silently.
But suffering in silence isn’t a mesorah. It’s just what happened when there weren’t other options. And now, baruch Hashem, we have options.
Why We Stayed Quiet So Long
There are countless reasons women hold it in:
Fear of shame in the community
Worry about what the mikvah lady might think
Not knowing what’s “normal” in marriage
Pressure to hold it together for the kids
The belief that more tehillim, more patience, more giving will eventually fix it
And maybe the deepest one: the thought that asking for help means there’s something wrong with you
What I remind my clients all the time is this: silence isn’t strength. Marriage doesn’t stay intact just because you put on a good face. Even the most ehrlich, Torah-centered couples need honesty to thrive.
It doesn’t make you weak to say you’re hurting. It makes you real.
The Shift: Why More Women Are Opening Up
So what changed? Why are more Orthodox women beginning to speak up now?
Because the weight of silence got too heavy.
Because too many of us have watched women break behind closed doors.
Because younger generations of Orthodox women—bnos Torah who care deeply about halacha and emunah—are realizing that hiding their pain isn’t loyalty. It’s erasure.
So they’re doing something different.
They’re talking and they're asking questions. Not because they want to tear anything down—but because they want to build something better.
They’re coming to therapy not as a last resort, but as a way to finally hear their own voice again. They’re having quiet conversations with trusted friends. They’re journaling. They’re praying differently. And for some, they’re realizing that silence doesn’t equal loyalty. That sometimes, love looks like speaking up.
There’s a new kind of strength rising in our communities. One that says, “I can be deeply committed to my faith—and also tell the truth about my life.”
We Don’t Have to Choose Between Faith and Truth
I hear the hesitation.
“But isn’t therapy a secular thing?”
“Isn’t this just a Western concept?”
“Shouldn’t we be turning to daas Torah, not to therapists?”
Here’s my answer: they’re not mutually exclusive.
Therapy, when done with a clinician who understands frumkeit, halacha, and the rhythm of a Torah life, can be a deeply spiritual experience. It’s not about replacing your emunah. It’s about giving your neshama the space to express itself.
In my office, women talk about things they’ve never said aloud before:
“Is this really what marriage is supposed to feel like?”
“Am I allowed to want more closeness?”
“Why do I feel so resentful when I’ve done everything right?”
“Can I be struggling and still be a good wife?”
The answer is always: yes. Yes, you can.
What Orthodox Marriage Really Needs
It needs honesty. It needs rachmanus. It needs two people showing up as full human beings, not roles on a stage.
Marriage isn’t about one person bending until they break. It’s about building something together. It's ish u’ishah, building a bayis ne’eman b’Yisrael side by side.
We need to stop confusing anivus with self-erasure. We need to stop thinking that if a woman speaks up, she’s being rebellious, disrespectful, or lacking in yiras Shamayim.
Real shalom bayis doesn’t mean there are never disagreements. It means there’s room for both people to exist, grow, and feel heard.
If You’re Reading This and Nodding…
Maybe you’ve been sitting with a heavy heart for months. Maybe you’ve been praying for clarity. Maybe you’ve tried talking to friends, only to get vague encouragement to “hang in there.”
Here’s what I want you to hear: you’re not failing. You’re not crazy. You’re not alone.
There’s space for your voice here. And there’s a way forward that doesn’t ask you to sacrifice your faith—or yourself.
I’m Lauren Hofstatter, LMHC, and I work with Orthodox women who are done suffering silently. If you’re ready to explore what healing looks like with dignity, sensitivity, and emunah at the center, I’d be honored to hold space for you.
Schedule a consultation or reach out directly. You don’t have to figure this out on your own.
FAQs
Is seeking therapy against Orthodox teachings?
Not at all. Therapy isn't a rejection of faith. In fact, we’re encouraged to pursue healing—refuah—in all its forms. Chazal tell us that the Torah is a guide for life, but Hashem also gave us wisdom and resources in the world to support our well-being. Therapy doesn’t replace faith—it works alongside it. When done thoughtfully and in alignment with your values, therapy can even strengthen your emunah and self-awareness.
How can I approach my spouse about seeking help for our marriage?
This can be delicate. Start by coming from a place of connection, not blame. You might say, “I want us to feel closer, and I think it could help to have someone objective to guide us.” Keep it about we, not you. You’re not accusing—you’re advocating for your marriage. And if your spouse isn’t ready, that doesn’t mean you can’t begin on your own.
Are there Orthodox-specific counseling services available?
Yes—there are many therapists today (myself included) who live within the frum world and understand its nuances. From taharat hamishpacha to community pressures to shidduchim, working with someone who gets it means you don’t have to waste time explaining the basics. You can just be you—and focus on the heart of the issue.
How do I know if my marital struggles are serious enough to seek help?
If you’re asking this question, it’s probably worth talking to someone. You don’t have to wait until things are falling apart. Feeling stuck, disconnected, or unsure is reason enough to seek clarity. Therapy doesn’t mean your marriage is failing—it means you care enough to explore what might make it stronger.
Is it okay to talk to friends or people in the community about marriage struggles?
Sometimes yes, but with caution. There’s a fine line between healthy support and rechilus or lashon hara. Choose someone who is wise, discreet, and won’t fuel negativity. In general, issues in marriage are best processed with someone trained to help—like a therapist or yoetzet halacha—rather than someone who might mean well but doesn’t have the right tools.
Does the Torah say women should stay silent in marriage?
No. While Jewish modesty (tzniut) encourages humility and discretion, it does not mean silencing your voice. The eishet chayil is described as someone with wisdom and kindness on her tongue. A healthy Torah marriage is built on communication and partnership. Silence that leads to pain or isolation is not shalom bayis. It’s a sign that something needs attention—and that’s okay to acknowledge.
Does halacha allow for divorce?
Yes, though it’s always considered a last resort. If a marriage is emotionally unsafe, neglectful, or no longer functioning as a partnership, halacha permits divorce through a get. It’s not taken lightly, but it is a halachic path when needed. And needing it doesn’t mean you’ve failed—it means you’re being honest about what’s no longer working.
