When Your Husband Won’t Go to Therapy: What Orthodox Wives Can Do

“I want things to get better between us. But every time I bring up counseling, he shuts me down.”

If that sounds familiar, please know—you’re not alone.

I’ve heard this from so many Orthodox women. Women who care deeply about their marriage. Who want to feel closer to their husband. Who are willing to do the work. But their spouse isn’t on board—at least not yet.

It’s painful. Frustrating. And it can feel like you’re carrying everything alone.

But even if your husband won’t go to therapy, it doesn’t mean you’re out of options. There are still things you can do to create change—and it often starts with you.

It’s Not Just About Therapy

When a husband refuses couples therapy, it’s not just about the therapy. Often, it’s a symptom of deeper issues—fear of vulnerability, shame, or past experiences with a bad experience in counseling. For some, it may feel like an admission of failure. For others, they may believe therapy isn’t effective or feel that “things aren’t that bad.”

Some men were raised in environments where emotions were kept private, and seeking outside help—especially for personal issues—was seen as weakness. There may be religious misunderstandings too, like believing that turning to a therapist rather than a spiritual father signals a lack of faith. None of these ideas are unusual, especially in traditional homes.

But here’s the bottom line: waiting for your spouse to change first often leads to long time frustration. You can’t control another person’s decisions. You can, however, take your first step forward.

Start with What You Can Control: The Power of Individual Therapy

One of the most empowering moves you can make is starting individual therapy on your own. This is not a substitute for marriage counseling—it’s a proactive choice to work on your own well-being. Individual counseling gives you a safe space to talk openly, learn coping skills, and understand your emotions.

You’ll begin to uncover patterns that may be affecting your communication, your responses, and your boundaries. A good therapist can help you build self-regulation and self-awareness—tools that are critical in any relationship. Even if your husband isn’t open to therapy, your positive changes can shift the dynamic at home.

According to Psychology Today and numerous scientific studies, individual therapy often becomes the gateway to couples therapy. When one spouse shows growth and clarity, the other starts to notice. It’s like planting a seed—change takes time, but it often begins with just one person.

“Every Time I Mention It, He Shuts Down.”

This is such a common dynamic. You bring up therapy—and he either brushes it off, gets defensive, or completely withdraws. If this sounds familiar, know that you’re not alone. Problem communicating is a hallmark of struggling marriages.

Try shifting the approach. Instead of saying, “We need therapy,” which can sound like an accusation, say something like, “I love you and I want our marriage to feel better for both of us. Would you be open to coming with me just one time to talk with someone?”

Use “I” statements—“I feel sad when we fight” or “I miss the closeness we had”—instead of “you” statements like “You never listen” or “You’re the problem.” The goal is to lower defenses and create space for connection.

Ask good questions gently. “Have you had a bad experience with therapy in the past?” or “Is there something about going that feels scary?” This isn’t to pressure him but to understand his point of view.

When He Still Says No: Now What?

If you’ve tried calmly, respectfully, and clearly expressed your concerns, and your husband still refuses counseling, you may feel stuck. But the truth is, you are not.

This is where discernment counseling can help. It’s a short-term approach for couples where one partner is unsure about working on the marriage. You can even start this on your own. It’s a good idea when you're feeling unclear about your next steps or when you're both not on the same page.

You can also explore relationship therapy centers or supportive environments like workshops that help women find clarity, community, and courage. These are not just for couples—they are for anyone who wants their marriage to improve.

There’s no shame in using every tool you can to protect and nurture your home.

It's Not Always Just Stubbornness

It might feel like he just doesn’t care. But often, there’s more underneath. It could be fear, anxiety, or even past traumatic experiences. Men often struggle to put emotions into words—especially if they were never taught how. If therapy means digging up painful memories, that can feel too overwhelming.

For some, there is also the fear of being “blamed” in couples therapy. That’s why it’s so important to find marriage counselors or psychotherapists who specialize in emotionally focused couples therapy or use approaches developed by experts like John Gottman and The Gottman Institute. These styles focus on healing the bond, not assigning fault.

Faith, Stigma, and Belief Systems

In Orthodox communities, stigma around therapy can still exist. You might hear things like:

“Why do you need that?”

“Just speak to a rav.”

“Can’t you daven more?”

But Torah doesn’t ask us to ignore our inner worlds. Venishmartem me’od lenafshoseichem—we are commanded to guard our souls. That includes our mental and emotional health.

Therapy isn’t a rejection of emunah. It’s a tool to help you live your emunah more fully.

Many people benefit from combining guidance from their spiritual father with therapy. It's not either/or. Both can help. Having a supportive environment rooted in Torah values and emotional honesty is ideal.

What If There’s Abuse or Gaslighting?

This part is crucial:

If your husband refuses therapy and also dismisses your reality, manipulates your thinking, controls your actions, or threatens your safety—this is not just a marriage issue.

This is a safety issue.

In these cases, seeking help from a trusted rabbi, therapist, or community support network is critical. Therapy isn't just a good idea—it’s a lifeline. You may want to reach out to a free service like an employee assistance program or a local relationship counseling center that understands religious and cultural sensitivity.

Setting Boundaries Without Ultimatums

Sometimes, women ask: “Should I give an ultimatum?” Ultimatums are rarely helpful. They often escalate tension and close doors rather than open them.

Boundaries, on the other hand, are about self-respect. A boundary might sound like, “I need us to talk to someone about this. If you're not ready, I will go alone so I can make good decisions for myself and our family.” This is not about punishment—it’s about self-care.

Therapy Isn’t Only for “Broken” Marriages

Therapy is not only for couples heading for divorce. It’s for couples who want to learn better communication, grow closer, and face life’s challenges together. Even good marriages can benefit.

If you’re wondering whether you need it, Psychology Today and many platforms now offer self tests to assess relationship health. These can be a gentle starting point, especially for a reluctant spouse.

Sometimes it helps to read self-help books together or suggest watching a video from The Gottman Institute or listening to a podcast. These steps might feel small, but they can open the door to bigger conversations.

It's Not Just About Getting Him There

Of course, it would be great if your husband said, “Yes, let’s go tomorrow.” But even if he doesn’t, your actions still matter. Working on yourself through individual therapy, journaling, prayer, or talking to a mentor can create powerful shifts in your home.

Change begins with awareness. Then action. Even small actions—like choosing to respond calmly instead of yelling, or listening instead of reacting—can change the tone in your marriage.

If you're struggling with intimacy, communication, or emotional distance, you’re not alone. And there is help. Many people have turned their marriages around—one step at a time.

Your Effort Is Not Wasted

You might feel like Eeyore from Winnie the Pooh—discouraged, down, and unsure what to do next. But here’s the truth: working on your marriage, even if you’re doing most of the heavy lifting for now, is not a waste. It’s an investment in yourself, your growth, and your relationship.

And while you may not see immediate results, the potential benefits of consistent effort are real. Change doesn’t happen overnight. But with Hashem’s help and the right tools, it can happen.

Final Thoughts

If your husband won’t go to therapy, it’s hard—but it’s not the end. You still have options. You still have power. You can choose individual therapy. You can learn coping skills. You can create a home where emotional honesty is welcomed. And you can keep praying that one day, he will come around.

Until then, don’t wait. Take that first step. Even if your partner doesn’t join you, you don’t have to walk this road alone.

FAQs

Can a marriage improve if only one spouse goes to therapy?
Yes. Individual therapy can help you build emotional strength, communication tools, and a deeper sense of clarity. When one spouse grows, the tone of the relationship often shifts—sometimes enough to inspire the other partner to come along.

What are valid reasons for divorce in halacha?
In Orthodox Judaism, get (Jewish divorce) is permitted when shalom bayis is broken beyond repair. This may include abuse, infidelity, abandonment, or a long-standing inability to live peacefully together. Every situation should be reviewed with a rav who understands both halacha and emotional safety.

How can I bring up therapy without making my husband feel blamed?
Use gentle, non-accusatory language. Try:

“I want us to feel close again. Would you be open to speaking with someone together—just once?”

Make it about connection and hope, not failure.

What if my husband is emotionally difficult, and I’m burned out?
You are allowed to protect your well-being. Start therapy for yourself. Get support. Learn boundaries. His behavior may stem from fear or trauma—but that doesn’t mean you have to carry the weight alone. You can be compassionate without being consumed.